I’ve only told a few people my story. I’m not sure why I am telling my story now other than at 41 I finally have the courage to unashamedly say: I was sexually abused by a family member when I was 5.

Ok, now for an abrupt transition to a few sentences on my love of baseball. At 41, I’m such a baseball nerd that I “scout” players for fun. I’ve paid good money for a class through SMWW to learn from a retired scout the basics of evaluating players. The height of my obsession occurred a couple of years ago when I used a chunk of my annual bonus to buy a Stalker Pro II radar gun. I’m the weirdo that attends high school, college, minor league and even professional baseball games to get radar gun readings and other notes on players for no other reason than fun. I’ve even written a few reports on players that have found their way on the internet that others have presumably read, which is fun. For me, watching baseball and evaluating players is pure joy.

All this to say, I experience this joy every year during the CWS, and watching the player Luke Heimlich pitch against Arkansas in the first game of the CWS finals was no different. There is a lot to like about Heimlich as a stud LH Friday night starting pitcher for Oregon State. A fastball in the low to mid-90s with life and late burst that proved difficult for the Arkansas Razorbacks despite them having one of the better offenses assembled in recent college baseball. Heimlich isn’t a perfect prospect though, his slider is a little slurvy and even though it induced several swinging strikes, his command of the pitch (or lack thereof) is a big reason why Oregon State lost. All this to say, even without a noticeably effective third pitch (at least in this game) and a lack of command of his slurvy slider against Arkansas, Heimlich is a solid front-line college starting pitcher that any team in professional baseball would love to have in their organization.

Except for one thing, Heimlich is an admitted juvenile sex offender who, at 15, pleaded guilty to one felony charge of molesting his 4-year old niece. My abuser was about the same age, I am the nephew and I was 5.

I didn’t have the courage the 4-year old girl had when she told her parents that Luke Heimlich abused her. I was too scared and confused. When my abuser told me to never tell anyone – I didn’t. I’ve lived with this pain, confusion and the effects of being an abuse victim for over 35 years. The effects are as straightforward as wetting the bed for years when I visited the house where the abuse happened. They are as devastating as the shame of having a secret that makes you bad, dirty, unwanted and worst of all, unlovable. They are as confusing as having your entire reality gaslighted. Simple questions become an existential crisis: Would my parents even believe me if I told them I was abused? Will you believe me if I told you that I was abused? Would my abuser acknowledge their abuse if confronted with my reality?

Reportedly, my beloved Kansas City Royals are considering signing Luke Heimlich. As an abuse victim (putting my love for evaluating players aside) I have some thoughts on this. Dayton Moore has called Heimlich’s situation “a very complex deal” and it unquestionably is complex. Moore cites Heimlich’s continued denial of the events as a possible defense and has suggested that he may not have the “courage” to sign the player. I have also read that Heimlich has paid his debt to society and that experts believe he has a very low risk of recidivism. Perhaps these are all relevant.

As an abuse victim under apparently similar circumstances, however, I question their relevance. My hope is to share with others the pain caused to the victim by simply having this conversation, especially the continued denial by Luke Heimlich. I would bet all my worldly possessions that if confronted by my reality, my abuser would deny anything happened despite my ability to retell in vivid detail the events that happened 35 years ago. I want to bring attention to the fact that simply having this conversation requires the victim to relive this terrible incident. Perhaps most painful to the victim, every defense of Luke Heimlich results in the gaslighting of that sweet little 4-year old’s reality.

I will probably never receive acknowledgment of my reality by my abuser. I have accepted that I will never receive an apology or an explanation of why those terrible things happened to me. All I know is that my abuser clearly knew what they did was wrong or they wouldn’t have asked me to never tell anyone and I wouldn’t have had to live with the deafening silence from my abuser for all these years.

My sincere hope is that Luke Heimlich chooses a different path. A path of courage. I beg Luke Heimlich to have the courage to change the dialogue. Acknowledge your victim’s reality, even if the events are different in YOUR reality. You’ve paid your debt to society and you have this one, solitary defining moment to affect this story in a positive way. Empower not only your victim but also every other victim of family sexual abuse, by embracing and defending your victim’s story. Ask for forgiveness and even if you never receive it work like hell to impact others in a way that shows that you have the humility and the courage worthy of a second chance.

If you’re unwilling to courageously champion your victim’s story, then I hope and pray my beloved Royals do not sign you. Because, even though you have a great collegiate profile, a plus FB, above average control and the mound presence to succeed as a likely future big leaguer, this story really isn’t about you – it’s about that precious, sweet little 4-year old girl. I pray we (and the Royals) have the courage to choose her and not the tantalizing promise of a collegiate star.

Let’s get to the Royals Hot Takes

Craig – Jon Jay, Lucas Duda and Mike Moustakas will all be dealt ahead of the July 31 deadline.

Michael – The rotation will be surprisingly adequate. “Surprisingly adequate” is as hot as it burns for the 2018 team.

Clark – Jake Junis will throw more than 180 innings, and by whatever metric you choose (maybe even pitcher wins, Craig), he will be among the top 40 pitchers in baseball by year’s end.

Jeff – Kelvin Herrera gets off to a hot start and is traded at the deadline.

David – Adalberto Mondesi is the starting shortstop by June 1 after continuing to put up top prospect-type numbers in Omaha while Alcides Escobar, well, doesn’t.

Hunter – The Royals will have four prospects on next year’s Top 100 lists: Seuly Matias, Khalil Lee, Nick Pratto and their top pick in the 2018 draft.

Clint – Mike Moustakas hits 40+ home runs this season, but not all of them are with the Royals.

Darin – By the end of the season, Miguel Almonte will be a key piece of the Royals’ bullpen, perhaps the most reliable reliever on the team. There should be plenty of opportunities for him to earn a spot in this relief corps, and he looked good last year in the minors and this year in spring training. Super-hot bonus take! If Kelvin Herrera gets traded, Almonte might even get a shot at closing some games before the end of the year.

Colby – Alex Gordon is your 2018 AL Comeback Player of the Year.

Hot Takes

Craig – Jorge Soler will spend more time on the disabled list than the active roster.

Mike – The team’s combined HR record will fall. I’ll also say that the Royals throw their first no-hitter since 1991 in 2017. It’ll probably be Vargas because you can’t predict ball.

Clark – Raul Mondesi’s WARP is above 2.5 at year’s end. That prediction comes straight out of the basement.

Jeff – Jason Vargas will have an ERA below 4.00.

David – After a rocky first season back with the Royals, Joakim Soria rediscovers his slider and posts an ERA under 3.00 along with a DRA under 3.00 as well as a strikeout per inning and a walk rate below three per nine.

Hunter – Three Royals will end the year with at least 30 home runs: Brandon Moss, Mike Moustakas, and Eric Hosmer.

Clint – Royals beat the AL league average in HR for the first time since 1977. That’s also the only time they’ve beaten it.

Darin – 25 pounds lighter, Salvador Perez has the best year of his career, hitting .295/.335/.470 with 25 home runs. He is again an All-Star, Gold Glove winner, and finishes in the top 10 of the MVP vote.

Let’s throw fire.

Clint Scoles:

I’ll remember that Arizona day much more fondly from here on out. It was the fall season and I was mostly there to checkout Wil Myers play in the Arizona Fall League with Bryce Harper and Mike Trout. Besides that, it was the first time I would get to see Raul Mondesi on the backfields as just a 16 year old kid. Those were the reasons I went, but I also got to see Yordano Ventura in pitching drills, holding court with all the others around him. I’m not sure what happened, but it appeared that he and pitching instructor Devon Lowry had made some bet to see if Yordano could locate pitches consecutively. It wasn’t much, but you could tell Yordano was the cream of the crop with all of these 18-25 year old pitchers looking on, still just 20 years old and maybe 165 lbs himself, they were all watching him. The focus was on; he was the most talented kid there. That’s saying something because the Royals still had plenty of young and talented arms at that time, many of which would go onto the major leagues. Still it was Yordano’s talent, cockiness and laugh that stood out on that backfield among the rest of the young players.

It appeared from where I was standing that he lost that bet that day as they laughed together, but it was an indicator of things to come. He was the center of attention in the Royals pitching world. I know I will truly miss seeing his talent, smile and grit that he pitched with, but most of all I’ll miss that smile and laugh that we didn’t get to see enough as fans. RIP Yordano.

Darin Watson:

It’s not fair.

Of course it’s not. As we well know, many things aren’t. Baseball isn’t. Life certainly isn’t. Two guys have what looks like a minor collision chasing a foul ball and one tears up his knee and misses a whole season and one breaks a bone in his hand and misses a month. That’s not supposed to happen.

And 25-year-olds aren’t supposed to be gone in the blink of an eye one otherwise unremarkable Sunday morning.

Yordano Ventura was like a younger sibling. So full of promise, so full of life, that you couldn’t help but love him even when he was a little bit frustrating. When he would get into shouting matches on the field or otherwise be an irritant to the rest of baseball, we’d get a little mad at him. When he had a bad start, we’d wonder when he would harness his potential. But then we’d see him smile, or strike out the side, and we’d remember that we really did love the kid. And just like you would protect your younger brother, when a national baseball writer would start mocking him on Twitter, Royals fans would stick up for Ventura.  If that’s how it felt to be a fan, I can only imagine what it feels like to be a Royals player right now.

There will be plenty of time later to discuss what this means for the 2017 Royals on the field. For now, we mourn. We remember that smile and that fastball and that love for life he displayed. We might allow ourselves a smile at these memories, but we are smiling through the tears.

Many years ago, Royals fans mourned when Dan Quisenberry lost his battle with cancer. Years before that, we mourned when his manager, Dick Howser, lost his battle with cancer. Those were profoundly sad days, but we knew they were fighting a losing battle, and while they were still too young, they weren’t 25, either. And that was long ago enough that many Royals fans have never gone through something like this.

So no, there’s no manual for something like this. Not for us fans, not for Ventura’s teammates or for manager Ned Yost or for the front office. Let’s all hope that this sort of story remains rare enough that there’s no need for one.

David Lesky:

There was no way it was true. It couldn’t be. I was sure the reports out of the Dominican Republic were wrong, that they had the wrong person. They didn’t. I spent a good portion of my Sunday morning in tears, thinking about Yordano Ventura, the person. I thought back to the few conversations I’d had with the young man and how I left each one in a better mood than I entered it. Those moments will never happen again. I’m still struggling to comprehend that.

On the baseball field, Ventura treated us to some truly magical moments. His first postseason start against the Angels that helped send the Royals back to Kansas City with a commanding ALDS lead showed what he could do. Then there was that World Series Game Six start. You could see what kind of career he could have had. The glimpses weren’t as often as we had hoped or would have liked the last two seasons, but they were still there. And now, somehow, they’re gone.

When I think about Ventura, I think about the potential. I think about that smile. I think about his passion. I think about his competitiveness. I think about his fire. All of that is gone far too soon. Rest in peace, Yordano. May your memory be for a blessing.

Clark Fosler:

Yordano Ventura was a young man.

Young men do amazing things.  They throw 100 mile per hour fastballs into a rectangle no bigger than your folded Sunday paper.  And they do it in front of thousands.

Young men do stupid things, too.  They drive too fast and and think too little.   They lose their composure in the middle of baseball games.

But they also throw shutouts in World Series games.  They stand up for their teammates and feel for their lost friends.

Yordano Ventura was just twenty-five years old and like any other person that age, he deserved to have many more chances to be both amazing and stupid and everything in between many times over.

I will miss Yordano Ventura being amazing.  I will miss the flash.  I will even miss the drama.

Michael Engel:

He came somewhat out of nowhere, brandishing a big fastball and promise, to leap up prospect lists until finally reaching Kansas City. In the process of developing as a player and during his career after reaching the big leagues, Yordano Ventura was a combination of passion, fight, and occasional outbursts that can be summed up by one fitting word: fiery.

You follow a team and month after month, year after year, and the players turn into something more than just a name on a box score or a number on a jersey. As a baseball fan, the game is a routine, a daily ritual, and its players become the actors we come to know. As we got to know him, Ventura was both frustrating and exciting, immature at times but poised in others. Scowling one moment, smiling the next. And in those moments of victory, dancing and laughing. A kid playing a game, now gone too soon.

Jeff Herr:

Sports can often feel bigger than life sometimes. Its power to unite and to bind is one of its most unique characteristics. And for all this power sports have, they are nothing without the athletes, the engine that makes makes them go. This can make our favorite athletes feel superhuman at times. Like they are invincible. What happened to Yordano Ventura, like others recently–most notably Ventura’s friend, Oscar Tavares and Jose Fernandez–reminds us all too much of the humanity of these figures that we heap our hopes and dreams upon.

Where does one even begin to process such a reality? The first place people often go is memories. As fans, cherished memories are on the field. The leg kicks, the stare downs, the strikeouts, the flare, and the smile. It was an infections one Ventura had and when the personal accounts began to come in from the players that knew him best, it was apparent that his smile was indicative of his personality off the field as well. Exuberant. Infectious. Boisterous. These memories will never fade. Ventura will always be a part of the wave that crashed down on Kansas City and brought back Royals fever with a vengeance. His attitude and swagger, though troublesome at times, was borne out of his immense talent. I feel that as time marches on the stories of these things will grow. His lightning fastball, the “#LetsThrowFire” hashtag, and all that came with it. His legend will live on in KC with the only blight being that it was a tale cut far too short by tragedy. Rest in Peace, Yordano Ventura 1991-2017.

Craig Brown:

Yordano was one of those guys who you loved because he was on your team. Did he anger and infuriate his opponents? Damn straight he did. Hell, he could infuriate the fanbase with his inconsistencies. But underlying it all was a passion. A passion for the game, a passion for his team, and clearly, a passion for life. Combine that with a fearlessness. My god. That was one of the reasons I loved him.

For me, the enduring image of Yordano won’t be anything from his time on the mound or even in a Royals uniform. Instead, it will be of the day after Game Seven in 2014, when he showed up, unannounced, at a youth softball complex in the Northland. Mingling with parents and players a day after a heartbreaking loss, that said so much to me. Here he was, a young man, with a youthful heart, just looking for one more game after the best season in Kansas City in more than a generation. Nobody would have blamed Yordano if he had just packed his bags and bolted town the day after the loss. Hell, that’s just kind of expected. Instead, there he was, just hanging around, posing for pictures while wearing a Royals cap for crying out loud, and just was… Yordano. I’ll miss him.

Bookmark this page to praise us all when the season is over. As always, if we are incorrect, please lose the bookmark and never speak of this again.

And now for the Royals hot takes.

Craig Brown: The Royals will be slow out of the gate and will be in third place in mid-May. Eric Hosmer will ignite, leading the team back to the postseason with a career year at the plate. He will ultimately finish third in the MVP vote behind Mike Trout and whomever wins.

Michael Engel: Reymond Fuentes lands in the top 5 in Rookie of the Year voting. I’m buying it.

Clark Fosler: Yordano Ventura will become the pitcher we thought he might be last year and finish in the top five in the Cy Young voting (and deserve it).

Jeff Herr: Yordano Ventura will finish third in the Cy Young voting.

David Lesky: Lorenzo Cain will not only continue what he did last year in becoming one of the game’s best all around players, but he will actually get better.

Hunter Samuels: At least one Royal will hit 30 home runs this year. Who will it be? I don’t know. I’m not clairvoyant, so get off my back.

Clint Scoles: Alex Gordon has the 2nd best offensive season of his career and finishes in the Top 5 of the MVP race.

Darin Watson: Yordano Ventura will break out, winning 18 games and earning serious Cy Young consideration. After two full seasons learning how to pitch, one full season with the tutelage of Edinson Volquez, and two months with the knowledge of Johnny Cueto to draw on, Ventura will unlock his potential. On the surface, his 2015 might have been disappointing, but a string of solid starts to close out the season was a preview of what is to come. One of Ventura’s BP Comparable Players is 2009 Jon Lester, who went 15-8 that year, then went 19-9 the following season and finished fourth in the Cy Young vote. This is the year Ventura takes the next step, just like Lester did that season. (Editor’s Note: Darin’s an overachiever.)

So these are our predictions. What are yours?