In lieu of yet another downer recap of a Royals—(Fill in the opponent) game, I wanted to do something new. Something fresh. Something you aren’t getting from any of our competitors, something that encompasses the game but also maybe brings a bit of culture and panache to the proceedings.
With that in mind, I present to you “Oh God, Not Again,” my new two-act play! I have it on good authority this will be taking over for Hamilton at the Richard Rodgers Theatre on Broadway once Hamilton’s run ends. And by that, I mean Lin Manuel Miranda didn’t answer the text I sent to the number the homeless guy outside the Rodgers Theatre swore was his, which I took for a tacit agreement.
Without further ado…
SCENE ONE
CURTAIN RISES
[int. Royals locker room]
NED YOST: Okay, listen up men. I know yesterday wasn’t what we wanted, but today’s a new day and we can still take the series! We’ve got Skoglund going, he’s been pitching well. Butera, you’re catching…
DREW BUTERA: (practicing hair flips) What’s that skip? Wasn’t listening.
YOST: Salvy is our DH. Sonny Gray hasn’t been very good in a while so I feel good about what this lineup can do today. You guys get out there and give it what you’ve got and we can start turning this thing around.
(LIGHTS DOWN)
(LIGHTS UP)
[fourth inning. Cal Eldred visits mound]
ELDRED: Okay kid, so maybe that wasn’t the best stretch, but Tyler Austin caught that one fat and Miguel Andujar’s triple was hit on a good pitch. We got the bottom of the order here, so it’s a good time to settle in, get back on track. Don’t be married to throwing first-pitch strikes if you’re catching too much of the zone.
SKOGLUND: You got it coach.
ANNOUNCER (SPECIAL ROLE FOR JIM BROCKMIRE, STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): And THERE’S a Romine single to score Andujar!
(LIGHTS DOWN)
(LIGHTS UP)
ANNOUNCER (STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): Hicks drives that ball deep to center, over Jon Jay’s head and it’s gonna go a ways! Stanton scores easily as the Yanks add another!
(LIGHTS DOWN)
(LIGHTS UP)
ANNOUNCER (STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): 0-2, the pitch to Austin and good golly, he belted that one folks, high and deep to center, Jay to the track, to the wall… good-bye! 6-0 Yankees as the long-ball revolution continues…
[SCENE]
SCENE TWO
[int. Royals clubhouse]
JAY: Jesus Christ.
JORGE SOLER: Jesucristo
PEREZ: I thought Ned said Sonny Gray was sucking now?
MIKE MOUSTAKAS: Sonny Gray has sucked for the better part of two seasons.
WHIT MERRIFIELD: Good-bye, hitting streak.
HUNTER DOZIER: Hey, I got two hits!
ALEX GORDON: Shut up, Dozier.
ALCIDES ESCOBAR: Cállate, Dozier
BUTERA: Hey, did y’all see me flip my hair when I walked that time?
MOUSTAKAS: Shut up, Drew. At least we didn’t get no-hit.
MERRIFIELD: We were on pace for it for a while.
GORDON: Would it have mattered? We gave up 10 runs.
SOLER: Chicos, tenemos que unirnos. Si no nos unimos, esta es una temporada perdida. Debemos unirnos No podemos señalar con los dedos.
ANNOUNCER (INTERPRETING, STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): Guys, we have to come together. If we don’t unite, this is a lost season. We must unite. We cannot point fingers.
JAY: What’d he say?
MOUSTAKAS: Something about a loss. (LOUDLY) We know we lost Jorge, don’t rub it in. And could you stop chasing first-pitch fastballs when nobody is throwing you those anymore?
JASON ADAM: Hey batters, you don’t have to take all the credit. We gave up four homers. I gave up two by myself!
BRIAN FLYNN: I didn’t give up any homers.
GORDON: Shut up, Flynn.
ESCOBAR (to SOLER): Podemos ayudar esto?
ANNOUNCER: Can we help this?
SOLER (to ESCOBAR): No sé cómo lanzar y no sabes cómo golpear, así que probablemente no.
ANNOUNCER (INTERPRETING, STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): I don’t know how to pitch and you don’t know how to hit so probably not.
YOST (enters): Alright fellas, so it didn’t go our way today. Shake it off; we’ve got St. Louis on the road coming up. Kennedy, Hammel and Junis against a coupla guys we’ve never heard of and Wacha. We can do this!
MERRIFIELD (to GORDON): He’s never heard of Miles Mikolas? He’s 5-0 with a 2.63 ERA?
GORDON (to MERRIFIELD): He’s rolling now, just let him go.
SKOGLUND: Oh God, not again.
SCENE
CURTAIN FALLS
LIGHTS UP IN THEATRE