In lieu of yet another downer recap of a Royals—(Fill in the opponent) game, I wanted to do something new. Something fresh. Something you aren’t getting from any of our competitors, something that encompasses the game but also maybe brings a bit of culture and panache to the proceedings.
With that in mind, I present to you “Oh God, Not Again,” my new two-act play! I have it on good authority this will be taking over for Hamilton at the Richard Rodgers Theatre on Broadway once Hamilton’s run ends. And by that, I mean Lin Manuel Miranda didn’t answer the text I sent to the number the homeless guy outside the Rodgers Theatre swore was his, which I took for a tacit agreement.
Without further ado…
[int. Royals locker room]
NED YOST: Okay, listen up men. I know yesterday wasn’t what we wanted, but today’s a new day and we can still take the series! We’ve got Skoglund going, he’s been pitching well. Butera, you’re catching…
DREW BUTERA: (practicing hair flips) What’s that skip? Wasn’t listening.
YOST: Salvy is our DH. Sonny Gray hasn’t been very good in a while so I feel good about what this lineup can do today. You guys get out there and give it what you’ve got and we can start turning this thing around.
[fourth inning. Cal Eldred visits mound]
ELDRED: Okay kid, so maybe that wasn’t the best stretch, but Tyler Austin caught that one fat and Miguel Andujar’s triple was hit on a good pitch. We got the bottom of the order here, so it’s a good time to settle in, get back on track. Don’t be married to throwing first-pitch strikes if you’re catching too much of the zone.
SKOGLUND: You got it coach.
ANNOUNCER (SPECIAL ROLE FOR JIM BROCKMIRE, STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): And THERE’S a Romine single to score Andujar!
ANNOUNCER (STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): Hicks drives that ball deep to center, over Jon Jay’s head and it’s gonna go a ways! Stanton scores easily as the Yanks add another!
ANNOUNCER (STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): 0-2, the pitch to Austin and good golly, he belted that one folks, high and deep to center, Jay to the track, to the wall… good-bye! 6-0 Yankees as the long-ball revolution continues…
[int. Royals clubhouse]
JAY: Jesus Christ.
JORGE SOLER: Jesucristo
PEREZ: I thought Ned said Sonny Gray was sucking now?
MIKE MOUSTAKAS: Sonny Gray has sucked for the better part of two seasons.
WHIT MERRIFIELD: Good-bye, hitting streak.
HUNTER DOZIER: Hey, I got two hits!
ALEX GORDON: Shut up, Dozier.
ALCIDES ESCOBAR: Cállate, Dozier
BUTERA: Hey, did y’all see me flip my hair when I walked that time?
MOUSTAKAS: Shut up, Drew. At least we didn’t get no-hit.
MERRIFIELD: We were on pace for it for a while.
GORDON: Would it have mattered? We gave up 10 runs.
SOLER: Chicos, tenemos que unirnos. Si no nos unimos, esta es una temporada perdida. Debemos unirnos No podemos señalar con los dedos.
ANNOUNCER (INTERPRETING, STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): Guys, we have to come together. If we don’t unite, this is a lost season. We must unite. We cannot point fingers.
JAY: What’d he say?
MOUSTAKAS: Something about a loss. (LOUDLY) We know we lost Jorge, don’t rub it in. And could you stop chasing first-pitch fastballs when nobody is throwing you those anymore?
JASON ADAM: Hey batters, you don’t have to take all the credit. We gave up four homers. I gave up two by myself!
BRIAN FLYNN: I didn’t give up any homers.
GORDON: Shut up, Flynn.
ESCOBAR (to SOLER): Podemos ayudar esto?
ANNOUNCER: Can we help this?
SOLER (to ESCOBAR): No sé cómo lanzar y no sabes cómo golpear, así que probablemente no.
ANNOUNCER (INTERPRETING, STAGE LEFT, SPOTLIGHT): I don’t know how to pitch and you don’t know how to hit so probably not.
YOST (enters): Alright fellas, so it didn’t go our way today. Shake it off; we’ve got St. Louis on the road coming up. Kennedy, Hammel and Junis against a coupla guys we’ve never heard of and Wacha. We can do this!
MERRIFIELD (to GORDON): He’s never heard of Miles Mikolas? He’s 5-0 with a 2.63 ERA?
GORDON (to MERRIFIELD): He’s rolling now, just let him go.
SKOGLUND: Oh God, not again.
LIGHTS UP IN THEATRE